The National Enquirer, a tabloid newspaper best known for outrageous all-caps headlines like “EXCLUSIVE: HILLARY CLINTON LESBIAN LOVERS NAMED IN SECRET EMAILS,” was set to publish an article about January Jones’ friends being “worried” about her “attention-grabbing bikini pictures” on social media. Which is to say, the National Enquirer just discovered her very good Instagram. The publication reached out to the Mad Men actress hoping for a comment — instead, they got trolled.
In a big “I… worked on this story for a year… and… he just… he tweeted it out” move, Jones published the email on her Instagram. “To Whom It May Concern: The National Enquirer is preparing to publish a story which reports January Jones has worried friends with her series of attention-grabbing bikini pictures and social media posts,” it read. “Sources claim her content smacks of a ‘desperate cry for attention’ and note how her acting work appears to have dried up before then pandemic took hold.” The Enquirer gave Jones until 5 p.m. EST on Wednesday, December 9, to “comment” on the bullsh*t allegations. In response, she wrote, “Sh*t. They’ve discovered my secret. Consider this my public apology to my ‘friends.’” She also took a new “attention-grabbing” bikini photo.
“Had to do it,” she wrote, adding the hashtag #DESPERATE. In actual news: January Jones rules.